I Just Don't Understand
by flaafo
Summary: Some multi-chapter TobiDei/DeiTobi story loosely following the actual Naruto plot. Ohmigawd, shocking. Also title change isn't that lovely? Oh BTW I finally got the chapter up that required this story to be mature. Enjoy, pervs. ;D
1. Winning

Dark, sapphire eyes scanned over the calm-looking, sandy dunes of Sunakagure

Dark, sapphire eyes scanned over the calm-looking, sandy dunes of Sunakagure. The setting sun cast its dim orange glow across the terrain, the sky in a tie-dye of blues, purples, and pinks. It was a magnificent sight, one of nature's beauties.

It sickened Deidara to the core.

"Deidara-Sempai, you've been crabbier than usual, lately. What's wrong?"

_Fucking Tobi. You're the problem,_ Deidara bitterly thought. He was, of course, partially lying. Karma came back at Deidara's lie with the biting pain of healing nerves. It had been three weeks since Kakuzu expertly had fixed the bloody, pathetic excuse for Deidara's arms, yet the pain persisted to torment the terrorist.

Why were the two in this forgotten land, anyways? Leader had ordered them to catch Three-Tails, one of the nine Biiju the Akatsuki needed to take the reins and ultimately control the world, and they were just passing through.

Another stab of pain in the Sculptor's arms. _Damn it_ that hurt! Deidara's former partner would have lectured him on clumsiness, or something about how being a puppet was more effective. Then the conversation would quickly lead into an argument on which art is right; everlasting beauty or a quick burst of energy. Deidara believed that he was superior to his "Master," that true art was fleeting.

In the end Deidara's arguments succeeded, with the death of his _former_ partner. A bittersweet success. Now he had a clumsy fool, not even worthy of the respect of a worm.

A shiver went down Deidara's spine as a small sand cloud whisked by the two figures in the barren landscape.

"Sempai?" Tobi asked, wondering why Deidara didn't even bother to glance at him, let alone bark, "Shut up, un," or growl out, "Don't ask stupid questions."

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, the raven-haired nin twitched. "Answer me," he sternly commanded.

"_What?_" A tone of angry inquiry laced around that word like a silk ribbon. Deidara was pissed. _Oh boy_ was Deidara pissed.

It took all of Tobi's courage and the disposal of most of his common sense to answer the blonde. "I said, 'Answer me. What's wrong?'."

It wasn't what he said that angered Deidara. It was how he said it. That tone reminded him of someone.

"Sasori-no-Danna."


	2. Assignment

It was a little past three-thirty AM when the bright rays of the morning sun started to cast its glow over the horizon, signal

It was a little past three-thirty AM when the bright rays of the morning sun started to cast its glow over the horizon, signaling the approach of dawn. Morning glories were opening up large petals to greet the warmth, nightingales' voices slowly dying to rest for another night of sweet warbling, and a crisp smell of new life wafted around.

Why, _oh why_, did Deidara suggest pulling an all-nighter? He mentally classified himself as the male version of a dumb blonde. Oh, well. The overnight trip saved them time, and all the blonde wanted to do was finish the assignment without harassment from Leader about lateness.

Behind him, a certain ebony-haired partner lagged at least three yards away. Even from that distance, Deidara could hear Tobi. The man wasn't really that quiet. There were times when Deidara missed that stupid puppet nagging away at him.

"Deidara-Sempai—"

"Can it, Tobi, un." Deidara was not in the mood to argue with Tobi about taking a break.

"But Sempai, I think—"

"I said shut up."

"Deidara!" Tobi roughly shoved Deidara to the ground, causing both men to swallow clouds of dust and scrape themselves up.

"What the hell, you jackass?!" Deidara spluttered, shoving the taller nin off him. He realized why Tobi pushed him a split-second later.

Several needles glistened menacingly next to Deidara's leg.

_Oh, fuck. If any of those hit there mark I'd probably be dead._ Deidara thought, swallowing hard. _Thank God Tobi was there—_wait, what was he saying?! Oh, whatever, he'd deal with it later. Quickly getting up and dodging more precisely-aimed weapons, Deidara reached for his clay pack. His hand missed. God _damn it_ did he lose it? This…This was just perfect. What really got Deidara's blood boiling was the fact he couldn't see or hear Tobi anywhere. "Fucking Tobi," he muttered under his breath, doing the only sensible thing he could; he ran for his life.

Deidara had traveled several miles when the wear of lack of sleep started to get to him. Damn it, damn it, damn it. _Damn it._

Actually…He hadn't been attacked in a while. Did they give up?

A needle hit the back of his leg. No…The chase was just starting to get interesting.

Three sound ninja, each wearing devilish grins on their faces, came out from hiding. Deidara frowned. Not only was there a disadvantage in skill (He had no spare clay anywhere in sight), he was outnumbered.

There were two heavily-armed males in the group, both muscular-looking and not all-too bright. Deidara assumed these two were the brawn. The third person, also male, was more scrawny, more intelligent. Obviously they were the brains. Smartass in the front took a step forward.

"My, my, what do we have here?" He clicked his tongue against his teeth, and the remaining sound nin eradicated Deidara's chance of escape. "What's a young lady like you doing in the Akatsuki? Surely you have more class than that."

"What the fuck are you trying to pull, un?" Deidara growled. All three attackers looked taken aback. They honestly had no clue Deidara was also male.

Deidara took the opportunity to reach into his back pocket and throw several kunai with Explosive tags on them at his opponents.

Sadly, none of the weapons hit their mark, and Deidara paled a shade. If God existed, He has one fucked up sense of humor.

"Enough of this," one of the stocky men said, his expression hardening. Faster than Deidara could measure with his eyes, the Sound ninja who had spoken out closed the distance between himself and the blonde, caught hold of Deidara by the throat, and lifted him a foot in the air.

Deidara gasped, taking in less and less oxygen with each ragged breath.

He blacked out moments later, but not before hearing Tobi's voice yell out, "Deidara-Sempai!"


	3. Memories

"Deidara? Deidara, wake up. C'mon, now," a detached voice called.

"Hnn…What?" Deidara felt a little lightheaded, and the sunlight that glittered through the grime-smudged window wasn't helping.

"I said wake up," The tone in his voice made it sound like more of a command than a suggestion.

The blonde sighed, sitting up. "How long was I out, un?"

"Long enough to fail the mission."

"God damn it."

"It's all your fault, brat," Sasori impatiently said. "If you weren't so defenseless without your precious 'art', we wouldn't have failed."

"But, Danna—"

"Fuck you, get a back-up plan."

"You don't have a back-up plan, you hypocrite! Un…" Deidara fumed.

"I do so, you brat," the red-head snapped, flames dancing in his maroon-colored eyes.

"Prove it," Deidara hissed, quite ticked off Sasori had yet again insulted his art. He had chosen the wrong words to spit at his master, though. He realized just how wrong he was when Sasori's poison-slicked cable uncoiled from beneath the red-head's cloak and wrapped itself around Deidara's waist, the sharpened blade at Deidara's throat.

"How's this for 'proving it'?" Sasori growled, lifting up the squirming pyrotechnition.

"Danna, Sasori-no-Danna! I'm sorry, un. Let me go," Deidara pleaded, not wanting to experience the deadly poison pulse through his bloodstream.

"Hn…Brat," Sasori frowned, dropping Deidara to the cold earth. "My own body is my back-up plan."

He curtly left the room, leaving Deidara to contemplate.


	4. Flashback

Tobi frowned at the unconscious Deidara, looking back on what happened earlier today. Were the actions he took a bit drastic? Well, those three sound nin _did _get in the way. Tobi had noticed them trailing behind them since one-thirty AM. Oh well, they were either dead or MIA, whichever Orochimaru—disgusting, traitorous bastard—decided to note them on.

He leaned back on the bed, fumbling a bit with a needle similar to the one that punctured Deidara's leg. Tobi recalled the drama as if it had happened only moments ago…

…Could they be any less obvious? Tobi frowned, eyeing the three ninja that were masked in the dark. Deidara didn't seem to notice their presence. Was he too far away? He turned his attention back to the ninja, but they had disappeared. Where the hell did they go?!

"Deidara-Sempai—"

"Can it, Tobi," Deidara interrupted. Clearly, he wasn't in the mood to listen.

"But Sempai, I think—"

Deidara interrupted him once more. "I said shut up."

"Deidara!" Tobi had felt something graze his cloak, and, just in time, shoved Deidara out of the way of a handful of poison-tipped needles. Without being seen, he picked up a couple needles. Before Deidara could even dust the dirt off himself, Tobi disappeared.

"Deidara can go without me, I need to—Ack!" Tobi tripped over something heavy, falling on his face. "What the fu—" Tobi looked down to see Deidara's clay pack twisted around his ankle. He felt the blood drain from his face.

Deidara's specialty attacks were useless without a base—the clay. He wasn't much of a short-range fighter either, Tobi thought, his brows knitting together in frustration.

"It'll be easier to just follow him from a distance," Tobi said to himself in a mumble. He would have to examine what the poison that tipped the needles did later.

"Where'd they go…? I was sure that—"

"What the fuck are you trying to pull, un?"

Ah, perfect, there was Deidara! He looked a little paler, and his actions weren't…well thought-out. That's when Tobi noticed the needle in the back of Deidara's leg, a wet patch of red staining the area around it. Slightly, _ever so slightly_, Deidara swayed to the side. _Something_ was up with that poison. Actually, it didn't look fatal, now that Tobi thought about it. Not that it _couldn't_ kill, just that all the Akatsuki built up an immunization—to an extent—on poisons; criminals and whatnot. Still, if he got hit again, Deidara would probably die, and the three ninja knew that. Tobi could tell by the victorious smirk on the "leader's" face. Uhg.

Tobi turned away for a moment—he swore it was only a moment—when he heard a choking sound. In an instant, he turned around. His visible eye widened in a mixture of discomfort and concern at the sight he saw. There was Deidara, gagging for breath in one of the sound nin's vice-like grip. Tobi had to do something, he just _had_ to! He was just standing there stupidly while his partner was being suffocated to death. Idiot! Move your feet! C'mon!

"Deidara-Sempai!"

"What gives a worse sentence? Pre-meditated murder or Heat of Passion?" he asked himself, shifting the dead-weight of Deidara's limp body so he could swipe his blood-soaked hair out of the way of his vision. "I suppose it would be Pre-meditated. You can pass off Heat of Passion as insanity." He shook his head. Why was he even asking himself this? He was a criminal, God damn it. He looked down at the problem of his worry. Deidara looked dead; worse, Deidara looked helpless. This wasn't the same Sempai he had come to know.

Frowning slightly, Tobi calculated his next step. He could either go to the nearest village possible, no matter how run-down or abandoned, and potentially get the two of them caught and tried for countless murders and most likely get the death penalty, or he could try and fix Dei's wounds himself, out in the open, where it was easier to screw up, and surely kill the blonde. Somehow the latter didn't sound appealing.

"I guess I have no choice," he sighed breathlessly. In a fluid, upward movement of his arms, he lifted a fairly limp Deidara over his shoulder, leaning to the uneven weight distributed on his body. "God, you're heavier than your small frame shows."

Tobi was merely yards away from the wall of the small town that signaled the perimeter of the village. It was then that he had a sickening thought that seemed to creep its way from the bottom of his toes and end up as a hard lump in his throat that—no matter how hard he tried—Tobi couldn't get rid of.

How would the two of them get in without being caught? He looked to the side at Deidara, still unconscious, who was breathing rhythmically, only breaking the pattern to occasionally heave small, instinctive sighs. Was he dreaming? And if so, of what? Tobi was about to see if he could wake him up, when a loose thread at the seam where Deidara's cloak met the sleeve made his mind whirr and click. What if he could pass off the cloak as…yes! That would work! Carefully, Tobi pulled at the strand and caused the sleeve to unravel off the main part. When he had finished with one sleeve, he eased Deidara off his shoulder to gain better access to the other sleeve. He scowled when he thought of how shoddy the makeshift dress looked. He hoped that the first-glance feminine features Deidara had would make up for it.

Delicately, Tobi pulled the ribbon free from the terrorist's hair, combing the sun-drop yellow locks gently with his fingers. His 'daughter' needed to look presentable. He knew he shouldn't have been thinking like he was, but _damn_ Deidara looked pretty. Pretty…it didn't really put the message across. But it's the closest Tobi would go without mentally kicking himself.

Pushing the thoughts out of his mind, Tobi gingerly shed himself of his cloak, and unhooked his mask. "Ridiculous," he muttered to himself. "I'm sacrificing my safety for a tool that can be easily replaced. Why?"

He was still asking that to himself when he picked his way through the village to a decent-looking hotel, carrying Deidara bridal style.

"…Sir?"

"Hm?"

"Sir, is there something wrong with your…er…wife?"

A young woman with chocolate-brown hair, moss-green eyes and bubblegum-pink lips eyed Deidara nervously, but then shifted her gaze to meet Tobi's eyes.

Tobi recoiled a bit. "Uhm…No, she's…my daughter."

The receptionist gave a skeptical look at how little the resemblance was between Tobi and Deidara.

"She…uh…looks more like her mother…She has my attitude," he quickly added.

"Mm, right. Now, what's wrong?"

"She's feverishly sick, and we just need a place to stay for the night. You see, after…After my wife…died, we've been wandering traders." Thank God Tobi had decent acting skills. "I don't want my angel to die. She's all I've got left in this damned hell hole we call Earth." For dramatic effect, he gave Deidara a chaste kiss on the forehead, who gave a small moan in reply, as if on cue.

_Please don't wake up right now,_ Tobi pleaded in his head. He looked up at the receptionist. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. _I wonder if I can get this bitch to bend,_ Tobi mused, still keeping a solemn face. "The only problem is, I don't have much money, and—"

"Don't worry about it! You poor darlings," she instantly said, stopping Tobi from 'explaining' anything. "The room's free. But only for three days. My boss would get mad." She handed Tobi the keys.

Tobi gave a gratified smile. "Thank you so much," he nodded.

She waved him off. "Your room is down the hall on the left. You can't miss it."

He headed in the direction she pointed at, and slipped into the desolate room. It smelled musty and unused for quite some time, but it would have to do. Tobi (roughly) dropped Deidara on the bed, hearing the springs creak in protest. He was still sore at how he had to go through all this trouble for the damned blonde pyrotechnition. He felt a bit guilty, though. It wasn't Deidara's fault Tobi didn't intervene sooner. But it was his fault he wasn't a master at more than one talent. A bitter taste entered Tobi's mouth. "What the hell have you done to me, Deidara?" Tobi asked, fully aware Deidara wasn't going to answer.

It was going to be a long day.


	5. Escape

"Nn…Danna…sorry…Let me go!"

Deidara woke up drenched in a cold sweat, panting heavily. He sat up, looking to and fro. It was only a dream…Only a nightmare. He never wanted to relive that horrid memory again. It made him sick to his stomach.

…Actually, he was just sick. With a hand over his mouth, Deidara rushed to the bathroom to throw up.

The retching sounds repulsed him. What's worse, he felt guilty for not helping Deidara, or even preventing this. Tobi narrowed his eyes, shifting his position against the doorframe uncomfortably. To relieve some of his guilt, Tobi looked over his shoulder at the clock. It read '7:13 AM'. Deidara had probably been asleep for an hour and a half after he blacked out. The poison had probably taken its limited affect, and was making Deidara gag and cough. At least he was flushing it out of his system.

"Un…" Deidara finally made a noise other than retching. Instinctively, Tobi filled a cup full of water from the tap and handed it to the ex-Iwa nin. Deidara grasped the cup shakily and took a small sip. Almost instantly after he swallowed, Deidara threw up the clear liquid.

Tobi tsked, solemnly shaking his head.

"S-shut up, un," Deidara snapped, still feeling a bit queasy.

"Just don't eat or drink anything for a while," Tobi said matter-of-factly.

"I've had it up to here with your smartass remarks."

"I'm just saying, Deidara-Sempai," Tobi muttered.

"What, un?" Deidara asked, not hearing the statement clearly.

"I didn't say anything," Tobi lied, turning his head away.

Deidara scoffed and stood up, holding onto the edge of the counter for support. "Whatever. C'mon, We'd have better get going."

"Just slow down, we have time—" Tobi tried to say, but was cut off by a cold glare. He frowned in response, but it wasn't like Deidara could see it. "Just…Just as a precaution, the receptionist thinks you're my daughter."

Deidara nearly killed Tobi.

"What was I supposed to do?"

"Just shut up."

"But Deidara-Sempai—"

"I don't think Leader-Sama would want me carrying back a charcoaled corpse to the base, un. I already went through ione/i partner."

Tobi made a low, guttural sound of annoyance. "Well, what's done is done, and there isn't anything I can do to change it."

"You can stop talking, un."

"How would that help the situ—"

"It's inot/i a friendly suggestion," Deidara growled. He looked up at Tobi, who had grown silent. Satisfied that the masked Akatsuki member wouldn't say anything more on the awkwardness of the situation, he asked, "So, what exactly was the story, un?"

"What story?" Tobi asked, not bothering to think about it.

"Apparently I'm your 'daughter', am I right?"

"Oh! Um…"

" 'Um'…?" Deidara repeated, arching an eyebrow.

"I sort of forget exactly what I said," Tobi sheepishly said, backing up enough to get out of Deidara's range of attack.

"Well, what do you remember?" Deidara growled, gritting his teeth in exasperation.

"That you were sick, um…something about being traveling…something…" Tobi scratched his head as he thought, intentionally pissing off the blonde.

"Anything important, un? Name? Age?" Deidara asked, scowling.

"No, I didn't say anything about that. You could make that up yourself," Tobi rushed, edging further away.

Deidara's shoulders relaxed a little. "Un…" He seemed to think it over for a moment, his eyes looking off into the distance, hard in thought. "I guess I would have done the same thing, if I was in your position, Tobi." He focused his attention on Tobi, who looked (from what Deidara could tell) surprised at the comment.

"…R-really?" Tobi managed to say, still not sure he heard correctly.

"Yeah. Maybe you aren't a complete waste of time, un."

Tobi took that as a compliment. He was about to reply when a frown slid onto Dei's lips. Something about the wrinkle over his nose made Tobi smile. Wait…No….Stop that, Tobi. "What's wrong?" He asked, his voice close to cracking as Tobi wrestled with his thoughts.

"Just that you're a dumbass."

"But you just—"

"I said I would have done the same thing. But I never said anything about what I would have made up, un."

Tobi felt his face flush in humiliation. "What do you mean?"

"Let me put it as simple as I can, un. How the ifuck/i will I be able to masquerade as a God damn woman?!"

Tobi thought for a minute, finally coming up with a crude idea. "You don't have to speak at all. And if you're talked to, I could make up an excuse."

Deidara shook his head. "Not what I meant." He waited a moment for Tobi to respond, but, after a painful silence, Deidara made a small semi-circle motion from his shoulders to the lower-middle of his chest.

"Oh…Oh! Uhm…Well, you could wear my cloak, I'm sure it'll be larger on you than your…shredded…one..." Tobi trailed off. Deidara hadn't even mentioned his ruined cloak. The blank look on Deidara's face didn't show any signs of trouble, so Tobi continued. "It would be too big to notice anything…uh, suspicious."

Deidara scoffed. "Like that would work, un."

"You never know." Tobi felt Deidara's glare bore into his soul before he heard a sigh of defeat.

"Fine. But you're ass is getting kicked when this is all over, un."

"Fair enough," Tobi said, shedding his cloak and tossing it to the blonde.

"Don't get smart," Deidara hissed, finding it difficult to keep the oversized garment from slipping off his shoulders and making him look like a fifty-dollar whore.

"I'm going to kill you slowly and painfully, Tobi."

"You look fine, Deidara-Sempai. Just quit fidgeting."

"Easy for you to say, un. You aren't the one dressed up as a porcelain doll. Why do you have make-up, anyways?" Deidara asked, deeply annoyed at how 'pretty' he looked.

"It's a 'just-in-case' thing," Tobi said, quietly laughing to himself at how a little bit of make-up changed the way someone looked so drastically. "No go on, I'll be right behind you."

Before he had any time to protest, Deidara felt himself getting shoved out of the hotel room and into the hallway. "Death won't be satisfying enough," Deidara muttered to himself, slinking his way past the front desk, when…

"Oh! Hello."

iAw, fuck./i

"You're feeling better, right?" the receptionist asked, her looks screaming to Deidara, "Please kill me. I'm a senseless waste of human life."

"Aren't you going to answer?" she pestered. Deidara shook his head no, pointing to his throat and then frowning. iMaybe she's good at charades./i

"Oh, I get it," she nodded, flashing a toothy smile. "Your throat hurts and you don't want to stress it." She started twirling her hair with her fingers. "Where's your dad?"

Deidara grimaced a little as he pointed towards the hotel room.

"Ah. How old is he? He looks handsome…like he should be famous or something."

Wait…what? Deidara had a puzzled look on his face.

"Do you know how old he is?" the girl pried, her curiosity piqued. What, did she have a crush on him or something? What exactly did Tobi do?

Deidara again shook his head, trying to say, "No, I don't know how old he is. Why should I care?" without making a sound.

Just then Tobi's voice was hear. "Go on outside, I'll be with you in a sec."

Deidara couldn't see Tobi, but he took him up on the offer to get away from that woman. He was about fifteen yards away from the building when Tobi intercepted him.

"Where'd you come from, un?" Deidara asked, a little surprised. He looked backward to make sure he wasn't imagining this. How did he not notice Tobi?

"Why were you talking to that girl, Deidara-Sempai?" Tobi said, completely avoiding the question.

"I wasn't talking to her. She was talking to me. There's a difference, un." Deidara gave a small frown, crossing his arms and shaking his head.

"Well, we're out, at least. Sanbi is this way," Tobi replied, shrugging his shoulders and walking west.

"Wait, Tobi, un."

"Yes, Deidara-Sempai?"

"I want to get this make-up off."


	6. Proposal

After a plethora of complaining and consoling, Deidara was finally clear of the heavy make-up. Of course, now he was soaked to the bone. Tobi thought it would be funny to shove the short-tempered blonde into the river.

"Tobi," Deidara growled when he got out, clothes and hair dripping, "Come here."

Tobi earned himself a smack to the head. "You aren't going to use your clay?" he asked, rubbing the spot where his Sempai had hit him.

Deidara frowned, and shook his head. He responded by turning the closed clay pack upside-down, not even bothering to unclip it from his waist. Water tinted with beige similar to the color of his explosive clay trickled out and down his leg. "The clay is too watered down, un." He sounded a bit disappointed in his statement.

Tobi tilted his head to the side slightly, watching Deidara unclip his clay pack and holding it like it was riddled with disease. "Can't you just dry it out?"

"It'll become too brittle to use. The clay I use is different from normal clay, un." Deidara snapped, throwing the clay pack at Tobi with scorn. Tobi dodged it—barely.

"Don't get mad at me, Deidara-Sempai." Tobi shrugged his shoulders in an 'oh well, your loss' way. "It's not my fault."

"What the hell do you mean 'it's not your fault' un? You're the one that shoved me in that freezing river."

"But I didn't make you fall in. You have no balance," Tobi chided.

"Let's see you say I have no balance when I push you off one of my clay birds about two kilometers off the ground, un" Deidara hissed.

"You don't have your clay," Tobi commented. He dodged the bullet…for now, at least.

"Shut up, Tobi."

- - -

"Sempai, where have you been?" Tobi asked when he saw the mud-covered Iwa-nin appear from some shrubbery. They went their separate ways an hour ago, Deidara muttering something hateful under his breath. Of course, Tobi knew what Deidara had been doing.

"I was getting better clay, un," Deidara frowned, rubbing a smudge of clay off his nose.

"So are you going to hurt me, now that you have your clay back?"

Deidara shook his head. "I only have enough to take down Sanbi. It's not that I don't want to use it all on you, un."

"Aw, too bad," Tobi said sympathetically.

"Ass."

- - -

"No you didn't, un"

"Yes I did."

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Hey! Both of you cunts shut your fucking traps so I can get some God damn sleep!" Hidan snarled to the two Akatsuki members making the fuss.

"You're no saint, either, Hidan, un," Deidara pointed out, nodding his head to Kakuzu behind his back.

"That Fucker deserves it, for all the gay-ass shit he does," Hidan scoffed. Shortly after, he was coughing up blood. "Ka—Kakuzu you asshole."

"You made me lose my concentration. Now shut up," Kakuzu said, his back turned away.

Deidara cocked an eyebrow at the crimson oozing from the fresh wound Kakuzu had delivered to his partner.

"Did so"

Both Deidara and Hidan groaned in exasperation. "Shut up, Tobi."

Tobi chuckled to himself and left, leaving Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu alone.

"Hey, Hidan."

"What the hell is it?" Hidan asked, examining his wound and shrugging. He didn't bother himself to at least stop the blood flow.

"First, clean yourself up, un. It's disgusting." Deidara made a face, but Hidan didn't seem to notice…or care, for that matter.

"You're just a pansy-ass," Hidan mocked.

"I am not." Deidara crossed his arms in slight frustration.

"Oh you are so, you petty little whore." By now, Deidara was used to Hidan's insanely random and often curse-filled insults. "You wanted to ask me something different, though."

"…I did? Oh, yeah, un."

Hidan narrowed his eyes. "Just ask the fucking question."

Deidara shifted in footing so that he was leaning on one side. "I forgot what it was."

"You're useless."

"I'd hate to interrupt this unnecessary conversation, but, Hidan, we've been given a mission. Get your ass moving."

"I'll go whenever the hell I please," Hidan snorted, scanning the room for his scythe. It had been tossed at the wall and was sticking out in a hazardous manner. "Motherfu—Kakuzu, can you help me get this out?" Hidan grunted when jerking on the handle did little good.

Deidara decided to leave before any blood was spilt—preferably not his own. No sooner than when had he glided out the door, the blonde heard Hidan's screechy voice curse out every vulgar word in the book. He turned around towards the noise to get a better understanding of the situation, but, when finding nothing interesting, turned back and ran into Tobi.

"Irk!" Deidara made a small noise of surprise. "What the hell, Tobi? What do you want, un?"

Tobi just shrugged his shoulders, shaking his head. "Nothing, Deidara-Sempai. It's nice we have a few days off the job, right?"

Deidara frowned slightly. "I guess you could put it that way, un."

"Well, I can tell you would rather be out in the open rather then sitting around, waiting for orders from Leader-Sama."

Deidara questioned himself if he was really that easy to read. He noticed Tobi looking at him—maybe? He never could tell with that mask on. Actually, Deidara never saw Tobi with it off.

"What's with that look, Sempai?"

"What look?" Deidara asked, his expression suddenly taking a 180 spin from confusion to frustration.

"Don't get upset at me, I just asked a simple question. Maybe you need to clear your head, take a walk."

"You're trying to imply something, un," Deidara pointed out, his face blank and his voice monotone.

"Me? Imply something? What gave you that idea?" Tobi asked, his voice dripping with sickly-sweet sarcasm and innocence.

Deidara muttered something, but didn't answer.

"So, are you going for a walk?"

"I guess, un."

"May I come?"


	7. Blush

"Sempai, at least admit I helped. You can take the majority of the credit, I really don't care, but you wouldn't be able to take down Sanbi without me."

"You didn't, un," Deidara scoffed, kicking a small rock with his foot. It skittered across the dirt path, resting at the base of a tree. Deidara's eyes watched like a hawk, lingering for a moment before turning back to Tobi.

Tobi growled, his low, guttural voice muffled by the only thing he would never take off—the mask.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" Deidara asked, hearing Tobi's disdain.

"You." Tobi said these words with such venom it made Deidara stop in his tracks.

"Excuse me?"

"You're my problem. Your independent, self-centered attitude. It's fucking childish." This was one of the rare times Tobi became angry. When he did, Deidara saw a complete personality change. It was if he angered the leader or someone much more powerful—if that was possible.

Deidara was about to reply when Tobi cut him off.

"The Akatsuki work in pairs for a reason. You don't seem to understand that," Tobi said, his voice quivering with rage.

"I've been working in the Akatsuki a lot longer then you have, Tobi, un. I don't need to hear your stupid advice. I can do just fine without you, too."

Seconds later there was a "crack!" sound and Deidara felt his face grow hot from where Tobi had slapped him.

"—the hell was that for?!" Deidara demanded, holding his hand to his cheek.

"That was for speaking irrationally," Tobi frowned, watching Deidara's expression constantly changing from confusion to hatred and back again, "And this is for slowly driving me insane."

"I—"

Tobi took Deidara's confusion as a chance to show him what he meant. With a faster time then he thought, Tobi slid his mask up as far as he needed and kissed Deidara before the blonde had any time to object.

The first logical thing to come to Deidara's mind was to smack Tobi. His mind was asking so many questions and stating so many things that everything was blurred.

Something about this wasn't right. Deidara didn't feel as uncomfortable with this as he would have expected in this kind of situation. Not that he thought about this exact situation (that would be awkward), but just a situation similar to this. It was obvious to Deidara he hated Tobi, far worse then anything he felt. But…

Tobi noticed Deidara's questioning look, and, although he looked angry, he wasn't pushing Tobi away, or protesting. In fact, he seemed slightly accepting of this. When he felt Deidara's breath tighten, Tobi felt the need to pull away. As soon as he did, Deidara was his normal, spiteful self.

"You're dead, un," Deidara growled, his eyes showing disproval. Disproval for what, though, Tobi thought. The kiss or the fact he pulled away?

"I didn't see you fight it," Tobi cockily mentioned, his hand to his mask as if he was reassuring himself it was properly over his face completely. Gleaming at the fact he caused Deidara's face flush rose in embarrassment, the taller of the pair turned around to head back to the hideout.

* * *

"Back so soon?" Hidan noticed, eyeing the bruise on Deidara's face, which, as a con for Deidara, was still pink from Tobi's earlier comment. "What did you do, lose a fight with Tobi?"

Deidara's lips curved slightly downward. "You could say that, un."

"Ha! You're such a fucking pansy!"


	8. Sleepless

Weeks of the on-off flirting with Deidara's emotions and common sense continued, leaving the blonde tortured. His mixed feelings on whether or not to kill Tobi were nerve-wracking. On the one hand, he'd enjoy the detonation. The sounds of it, the feel of the sonic boom shudder throughout his body—pure bliss. Then again there would be a bloody fortnight with the leader. Would the pain be worth the pleasure?

On missions, Deidara and Tobi acted as normal. Tobi would get in Deidara's way somehow, testing the artist's patience and ultimately causing the well-rehearsed reaction, and everything was content. During their free time, however…

"Un," Deidara sighed, tired from lack of sleep and having to deal with some trouble on the mission (No thanks to Tobi. Bastard was hiding). He was debating with himself which was more annoying, the missions themselves or Tobi's bullshit. Definitely Tobi. Quickly grabbing an apple to quiet his cravings, Deidara forced himself to go to his room and get some well-deserved rest.

Lazily, Deidara shoved his back to his door to close it, rather then turning around and reaching for the doorknob. At this point he really didn't care. He flopped onto his bed and tried to take a bite of the apple, only to find it rotten. It left a nasty taste in his mouth, and he quickly spit out the piece of fruit and tossed the rest across the room. It hit the wall with a splatter and left a nasty, oozing mark. Deidara didn't even notice; he had fallen asleep.


	9. Desire

**A/N: Wtf update?!**

A creak bounced off the walls of the room, and a head nervously peeked in. "Sempai?" Tobi asked, looking around the room in slight confusion, but then dropped his guard. "Oh. So you're asleep," he said, lower in tone.

Deidara replied by turning over in bed.

This made Tobi laugh, albeit nervously, because he had slightly feared the blonde waking up. Actually, he wanted to wake up Deidara, but not just now. Right now he just wanted to think. Tobi inspected the blonde, figuring that he was dressed in his Akatsuki-based clothing and still wearing his headband because he was either too tired to get undressed or he was just lazy. Somehow laziness didn't seem to contribute.

Tobi found it harder with every moment to start what he had come in for. With a slight flick of the wrist, Tobi brushed against Deidara's cheek.

Deidara shuddered, waking up with a gasp. He had just woken up from a fairly realistic nightmare. He had been caught by the authorities, ANBU, no less, and was being tortured for information. Tobi had managed to get away by doing what was like a second nature to him; running away like a dog with its tail caught between its legs. It was all so vivid. Deidara was being suppressed by the bulk of an ANBU member, all pressure on his torso. His hands were secured by chains, mouths on his palms lolling their tongues in exhaustion from trying to free his wrists.

Panting slightly, the pyrotechnitian raised a hand to where the serrated knife was pressed, ready to slice expertly into his cheek. He only found somebody's hand.

"Tobi," Deidara growled, knowing exactly who was invading his personal space. "What do you want, un?"

Tobi didn't move his hand, but shifted his body so that he could face Deidara directly. "It's apparent. It should be."

Deidara pushed away Tobi's hand, uncomfortable with the contact. "It isn't."

"Then what is?"

Another shift in position caught Deidara off guard. He was now being straddled, and whether it was the fact he was in shock or the fact he subconsciously wanted this, the blonde didn't struggle—much.

"The fact you need to lean the term 'Personal space', un."

Deidara managed to hit Tobi hard enough to cause him to flinch. He retaliated by retraining the blonde's arms above his head.

"Hey, un! Get off!"

"Oh, but you like this," Tobi said, laughing coarsely. He fixed his position in such a way that he only needed to hold Deidara's wrists in one hand. With his free arm he pulled the pyrotechnition's headband over his eyes.

"The fuck are you trying to pull, un? Get the hell off me, now!"

Tobi's reply had come after a quiet moment of thought.

"I know you're wanting this." His breath was hot against Deidara's neck.

The truth was, he did want this. He just didn't want to admit it.

"I—Nnngh," Deidara's sentence was cut off in a strangled moan as Tobi left butterfly kisses up and down his neck. The blonde wouldn't give him the satisfaction of winning this little fight.

Tobi had no intention of winning any fight. He wanted a compromise. He paused his light kissing to whisper in Deidara's ear.

"Do you give?" he asked.

Deidara scoffed, too cocky for the position he was in at that moment. "Never in a million years, un."

Smiling, Tobi sighed. "Lying is a nasty habit. I've been doing it for years." He ended his sentence with a possessive yet peculiarly mild kiss. Deidara sunk into it, powerless to control himself. When Tobi broke the kiss Deidara reverted to his typical, unapproachable attitude.

"You seem more then eager. Are you positive you don't want to give in? I'll go easy on you."

"I'd much rather you leave. I still can't see, un," Deidara remarked. He wriggled under Tobi's weight, still unable to free himself.

"You won't say that if I do this," Tobi said, coyly slipping his free hand under Deidara's cloak.

"Uhhhnng." The blonde arched his back at the contact, soaking it in. He hated what was happening, this torture was too much. This was worse then what ANBU could do to him, much worse.

"Alright…"

"Mm? What was that?" Tobi was too busy running his hand around to Deidara's backside (who was uncomfortable with the contact because he couldn't see what Tobi was about to do next) to notice what he said.

"I—ahh (Tobi's hands were cold against his back)—said alright," Deidara said, straightening himself out from under Tobi. "I give up."

"That's wonderful news!" Tobi said, purposely speaking in his 'subordinate' voice to make Deidara's emotions bubble and churn; he would be mad, too, if he was sodomized by a person he thought of as a tool.

"You're a bastard, un," Deidara said coldly. He was frightfully uncomfortable with his wrists. Tobi must have noticed because he let go, even if it was warily.

Deidara instinctively reached for the headband that hid his eyes, but Tobi was faster. He snatched Deidara's hand, and in a short, somewhat aggressive tone, commanded, "No."

The comment took Deidara back a bit. "No?" he repeated in a growl. "Why the hell not, un?"

Talking was making the both of them more and more anxious.

"Just…No. People aren't meant to see certain things," Tobi said in a low whisper, letting go of Deidara's hand.

"You owe me, then." Deidara fumbled in his own darkness for Tobi's pants.

- - -

"What is it?"

"You're…rough…Ahh!"

"Do you want me to slow down?"

"N-no…Actually…Go faster." Deidara was gripping tightly to Tobi, nails digging into his back. He could actually feel small drops of blood on some fingers.

"You're a very fickle creature," Tobi commented, complying with the blonde's request.

"This? What we—Nnngh—we're doing? Means nothing." Deidara had mentioned this more then once between the strangled moans.

"Hm, does it?" Tobi asked, not fond of the despondent feeling in his stomach. To distract himself (And possibly release a bit of tension), he thrust more violently into the pyrotechnition, enjoying the screaming response.

"Ahh! T—Do that again," Deidara was more responsive then before with the last thrust.

"Wh—"

"Nowww…" Deidara, for the first time, was pleading.

Tobi was a little shocked, but greatly amused, and repeated his last action in hopes of getting a similar reaction.

Deidara gripped tighter onto Tobi, biting back a moan. "Fuck…" His vision blurred every time Tobi hit that _god damn spot_. It was both excruciatingly painful and sensually exciting.

Now that Tobi knew _exactly_ what to do, he had total control. He would repeatedly miss that one pressure point, with Deidara begging and pleading, and then break the chain.

"Ah—ngh T-Tobi…!" The blonde was shuddering and aching all over. He knew by tomorrow—later today?—he would completely regret what was happening.

"Hm?" Tobi asked, not slowing his pace.

"I can't…take m-much more." Whatever energy was left in the S-ranked terrorist flittered away with those words.

"Then come." Tobi's words were never so inviting.

- - -

Both Akatsuki members lay side by side, panting heavily, Deidara on the left and Tobi on the right.

"Tobi…?"

"Yeah?"

"I fucking hate you, un." He still had the blindfold on. Taking it off would be pointless, and, for some insane reason, Tobi's warning was keeping him from looking.

Tobi propped himself up on one elbow. "Why is that?"

"You're a douche."

"I sincerely doubt you believe that," Tobi commented.

"If you didn't take me by surprise I would have—Mmph?" Deidara was silenced by a light kiss.

"No, you wouldn't."

"You ass."

"Good night, Deidara."


	10. Disillusionment

A yawn…a stretch…and a sudden realization with a dash of sickening horror was _exactly_ how Deidara's morning started.

"Ohhh fuck," he groaned to himself, massaging his temples, "I sincerely hope that was a dream, un…Or a nightmare…Whatever seems more plausible."

In a single fluid motion, the blonde swung his body to the right and got out of bed. He was mildly surprised that he was clothed from the waist down and he thought that perhaps—his aching back told him otherwise.

_Oh, well_, he told himself, dreading the thought of going outside his room, _I'm going to have to pretend NOTHING happened...yeah. It'll be alright._

Such a horrible lie.

When Deidara stepped outside his room, Hidan was there, chewing on something coated in sugar and grinning madly. _Fuck! Does he know?_

"So~" Hidan said, chuckling slightly, "Rough night?" He tossed a small paper bag in Deidara's direction.

"What's this?" Deidara asked, eyes narrowing.

The Jashinist lazily shrugged his shoulders. "I don't fucking know. Some pastry I got from a store during a raid. It's sweet, like your candy-ass." His tone was light-hearted, which meant that probably was a compliment.

"Uh…thanks?"

"You still haven't answered my question. Didja have a rough night?" There was a taunting gleam in the masochist's eye.

"Why do you ask, un?" Deidara straightened himself in slight defense.

"Because Tobi told me you moan and groan like a little bitch."

"What?!" the blonde spluttered, his anger rising.

"Mmhm." Hidan enjoyed making fun of everything and everyone, especially Deidara. "I didn't know you were so vulnerable, Dei-chan. Maybe if you cut off that girly blonde hair," he marched over and tugged at the messy ponytail atop the missing-nin's head, "You'd fucking man up."

"H-hey! Just because—"

"I mean, you knew that fucking apple was rotted." The Jashinist shook his head in disapproval.

"…What?" Deidara was thrown into a throng of confusion. "What are you talking about, un?"

"You got the food poisoning from that apple," Hidan elaborated. He pointed past the doorway to the dried-on splatter that Deidara had made last night with the fruit.

"That shit's been decaying for over a week."


	11. Blurry

"So."

"So…?"

The two locked themselves in a one-sided staring contest. One-sided because Deidara couldn't see Tobi's face.

"Are you going to finish your sentence?" Tobi asked, tilting his head to the side.

"No. I'm just going to let you finish it for me, un."

"Ah. Well…If I were you, I'd be asking myself 'What the hell is your problem?!' but I don't know you, so I can't be you," Tobi said, twirling his hand in thought.

Deidara frowned a little. Tobi was spot-on. _Since when had Tobi gotten so good at reading me?_ he thought, his stomach churning, and his mouth going dry.

"Deidara-sempai, you haven't touched your food," Tobi pointed out. They had been eating on the go, and Deidara hadn't even tried to eat his yakatori. He handed it to Tobi, who ate it in a hurry—and under his mask, somehow.

"That's starting to annoy me, un."

The masked nin looked to his partner. "What is?"

"Your mask. What's so important that you're hiding your face?" Deidara furrowed his brow in frustration, and waited for an answer.

"You don't need to know," Tobi quipped.

"Yes I do. I find this unfair. I mean, Even Sasori-Danna showed his face once in a while, un," was Deidara's comeback, but by how Tobi's posture was, it seemed as if his words went in one ear and out the other. "You know what…forget it."

"Forget what?"

Deidara sighed. "Everything. I'm exhausted, let's just go find a place to sleep, un."

Tobi, under his mask, cracked a smile. "Alright with me, Deidara-Sempai."


	12. Fury

"Nnnghh—Ah!"

Tobi was ravishing his prize, a half naked Deidara. They had been arguing about something so pointless that Tobi didn't bother to remember (Why would he? Deidara's right there in front of him), but it resulted in a tousle, including name calling, hair pulling, and eventually a battle between tongues, and Tobi's victory. So there they were, on the bed in the horrible motel on their way to confront a killer. A kill that should have belonged to the artist.

"Again with the makeshift blindfold. And you had the nerve to render me helpless, you sick, twisted—Oh!" Deidara bit his lip as Tobi started running his hands lower, straining the metal links of the chain binding him to the bed. "I—I have one qu—question, un. Why?"

Tobi raised an eyebrow. "Why what?" Without skipping a beat, Tobi again began to play with Deidara's quivering body, running his tongue up and down the blonde's chest, leaving a trail of saliva as a guide to where he had already been.

"Why all the secrecy? Why, why, why?" The chains rattled.

Tobi stopped. He had to. It was a completely serious question, with a completely serious answer. And that answer was to be kept hidden from anyone unimportant. Deidara was unimportant…right?

Right.

"Because."

Deidara took this pause of "toying around" to kick Tobi a soundly in the stomach. "DAMN IT. Stop saying that! It's your fucking way of wriggling out of a conversation, un. 'Because' is the WORST god damn answer you can give me! FUCK YOU."

Tobi had to hold himself to try and stop the throbbing, dull pain in his chest. When he felt he could let go, Tobi shoved Deidara's legs down and growled. "Listen to me. I don't care what the fuck you think. My secrets are mine and mine alone. If I cared even a smidgeon of your insecurities, you wouldn't be in this position, would you?"

Deidara's heart skipped a beat. Tobi's personality switches were alarming, but tied like this, anything could happen. He pulled at the chains, trying to reassure himself he could get out of this situation if needed. He could, but just barely.

"Now…where was I?

"T-Tobi! Ahh!" Deidara felt Tobi's hand slip lower down his torso, resigning on his inner thigh. Too close for comfort.

There was a sort of airy feeling, something soothing about this. It melted Deidara's previous anger. He completely forgot that the argument was about how Orochimaru "got away" and that Tobi critiqued the slowness of his partner. However, spite was fueling this passion of lover and loved. Sasuke Uchiha was to blame. He stole away the right. Hell, all those Uchihas were to blame. Spawning that damn Sasuke. And Itachi, oooh, it got the artist's blood boiling. He squirmed and wriggled thinking about it. Just enough to…

"Oh…"

Deidara's makeshift blindfold (his Iwa headband) slipped, letting him see just exactly what he wanted to.

Tobi had scars on his face. Was this what he was so ashamed of? Deidara's right arm was mangled, and he basically paraded around showing it off whenever he wasn't wearing his cloak.

Other than that, nothing seemed odd. Black hair, fair complexion, red eye—

Wait.

"What?"

Oh, damn it.

"Dei-Deidara, it's n-n-not what—" Tobi stammered.

Deidara kicked Tobi again, only lower. "Untie me. Now!"

Fighting back the pain, Tobi obliged and released Deidara of his restraints. The thank you was a shove and obscenities.

"Sempai it isn't what you—…What I mean is— Damn it."

"You've been lying to me! This entire time. You fucking Uchiha scum are all the same, un." Deidara began pulling on his cloak, after getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" Tobi asked, his face blank. He had told himself that Deidara was unimportant. None of this mattered. Why worry?

"None of your damn concern, un. I'll be back in the morning. Don't wait up."

And then the door slammed shut.


End file.
